What makes love last a lifetime? Affection? Yep. Respect? Sure. But a great marriage is not just about what you have. It's about what you do to make a relationship stronger, safer, more caring and committed. Here's how to make your "forever" fantastic.
Marriage is a home, a refuge against the outside storms. And like any house, it requires a strong, lasting foundation. To build one, every couple needs to take certain steps — seven, to be precise — that turn the two of you into not just you and me but we. You may not move through all the steps in order, and you may circle back to complete certain steps again (and again and again). But if you make it through them all, you'll be well on your way toward creating a marriage that will be your shelter as long as you both shall live.
Step 1: Find a shared dream for your life together.
It's easy to get caught up in the small stuff of married life: What's for dinner tonight? Whose turn is it to clean the litter box? Did you pay the electric bill? But the best partners never lose sight of the fact that they're working together to achieve the same big dreams. Successful couples quickly develop a mindfulness of 'us,' of being coupled. They have a shared vision, saying things like, 'We want to plan to buy a house, we want to take a vacation to such-and-such a place, we like to do X, we think we want to start a family at Y time.'"
This kind of dream-sharing starts early. When you share a dream, you're a heck of a lot more likely to make that dream come true.
Step 2: Ignite (and reignite) a sexual connection.
In any good relationship, sex is way more than just a physical act. It's crucial for the health of your emotional connection, too: It's something only the two of you share; it makes you both feel warm and loved; it draws you back together when you're drifting apart. And did I mention that it's a whole lot of fun?
Striking up those sparks when you first meet is easy. Nurturing a strong, steady flame? That's the hard part. As the years go by, you'll keep revisiting and realigning and reimagining the passion you have for each other. And if you keep at it, you'll have a sex life that transcends your marriage's lack of newness, the stresses of family and work, the physical changes that come with aging. Now that's something worth holding on to.
Step 3: Choose each other as your first family.
For years, you were primarily a member of one family: the one in which you grew up. Then you got married, and suddenly you became the foundation of a new family, one in which husband and wife are the A-team. It can be tough to shift your identity like this, but it's also an important part of building your self-image as a duo (and maybe, eventually, as three or four or...).
For me, making this transition meant stopping the incessant gripping to my mom when I was mad at my husband — my behavior was disloyal, and I had to learn to talk to Dale, not about him.
Whatever your challenges — an overprotective mom? An overly critical father-in-law? — You have to outline together the boundaries between you and all of the families connected to you. Not only will you feel stronger as a united front but when you stick to your shared rules, all that family baggage will weigh on you a lot less.
Step 4: Learn how to fight right.
I'm embarrassed to think of how I coped with conflict early in my relationship with Dale. I stormed out — I shouted a lot. Fighting is the big problem every couple has to deal with. That's because fights will always come up, so every couple needs to learn how to fight without tearing each other apart.
Fighting right doesn't just mean not Yelling or storming out; it means staying focused on the issue at hand and respecting each other's perspective. Couples that fight right also find ways to defuse the tension— often with humor. Even if you fight a lot, when you can find a way to turn fights toward the positive — with a smile, a quick apology, an expression of appreciation for the other person — the storm blows away fast, and that's what matters.
Step 5: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
When it comes to togetherness, every couple has its own unique sweet spot. There are couples that are never apart and there are couples that see each other only on weekends. With the right balance, neither partner feels slighted or smothered. You have enough non-shared experiences to fire you up and help you maintain a sense of yourself outside the relationship — not to mention give you something to talk about at the dinner table. But you also have enough time together to feel your connection as a strong tie rather than as a loose thread. Your togetherness needs will also change over time, so you'll have to shift your balance accordingly.
Step 6: Build a best friendship.
Think about the things that make your closest friendships irreplaceable: the trust that comes with true intimacy, the willingness to be vulnerable, and the confidence that the friendship can withstand some conflict. Don't those sound like good things to have in your marriage, too?
Happy couples are each other's haven. They can count on the other person to listen and try to meet their needs. When you're true friends, you acknowledge and respect what the other person is; you don't try to control or change them. This creates a sense of safety and security when you're together — you know you're valued for who you are and you see the value in your partner.
Step 7: Face down a major challenge together.
You're sailing along through life, and suddenly you hit a huge bump. A serious illness. Unemployment. The loss of your home. A death in the family. How do you cope?
The truth is, you never know how strong your relationship is until it's tested. All too often, the stress of a crisis can pull a couple apart. But the good news is, when you do make it through in one piece, you might just find yourselves tighter than ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment