Hard to deal!

November has always been a hard month for me to deal with since my father past away. It seems like every time november comes I get very tearful when someone talks about my dad or if they ask at the hospital what my parents do. For one, i simply say "my mother is retired" and "my father past away 9 years ago" it has always been hard for me to answer questions about my father. I do realize that even though he never told me he loved me, he really did. Never go one day in your life without telling the ones you love them because you wonder when they are gone if they ever really knew. When Dale and I met telling him I loved him was SOOO hard for me, it just doesn't come easy for me. But, I am working on it!!
I miss my dad so much and every november gets harder and harder. I just feel like out of my whole family he is the only one that actually cared and supported me in everything that I did in my life. I am not asking any one to support me because really I dont need support from anyone, I am very confident in everything that I do. I am a very educated woman and have a great career, I am very happy with the career path that I choose but I just wished that my father was here to share the glory with me. I realize my mother is still with me but she doesn't really so support like my father did. Even after being young and all what I went through who knew it would turn out like this.
DO you ever wonder why you are here? I wonder sometimes in my close call how I made it through them and why am I still here? I never question god but sometimes when things get bad and outta control I wonder? As a child I never went to chruch, for my family was methadist we never attended chruch. when I met dale it was so hard to translate to his vision of god to what I thought god was. He has such a strong belief in god and i have to work on it every day. I questioned gods judgement on my fathers death day. why do you suppose he choose him, why not the guy down the street, did he put everyones number in a hat and pulled out his number? After he past I had a hard time dealing with it and how to not blame, but after a while you just have to for give. Think about it we are all here to live and then we are here to die and go to heaven. What happens when the belief isn't strong enough? I guess you just won't know until the time comes!!