Parenting

For a while now I have been thinking about starting a family. Would I be good at it?Would I totally suck at it? Would I like being a mom? Would Dale like being a Dad? Would I want a baby? Would I want to adapt? Do I want to become pregnant? Would it make life complicated? Would I know what to do? Is our relationship strong enough? Would I be strong enough?
Well lately I have wondered all of these questions. I love my life with just Dale. I totally love to be spoiled. But are we missing something. I always think it would be nice to have one or two, but do I really want any children. It is really hard for me to just come up with a decision. I know Dale doesn't want any and would I hurt our relationship if I asked? I don't want to jeopardize our relationship because of separate ideas. I am lost for words. How do you convince a man to have a child when he has his mind set on not having any? Why is a life changing situations so hard. How do I get the strength to come up and ask him. I have no idea.
Now you are probably asking yourself, is she afraid of her husband? The answer is no, he could not hurt a fly. But I don't want him to feel like I betrayed him or make him feel uncomfortable with me. You know I am not getting any younger. I am getting older. Now, every second counts.
The doctor said I may not even become pregnant with my age now. I am at higher risk of having a disable child or mentally delayed child. Do I want to do that to myself or the child? I was born with a bad heart. Would I be able to pull through the pregnancy? Would there be complications while in labor. Would Dale have to choose me or the child? I would not want him to make that decision. I am at loss. It is my fault for waiting so long to come up with answers. Dale may not even be able to get me pregnant for he was a late riser in his family. But whatever we will deal with the cards that were dealt to us.

Last week, at the hospital where I work I had a 92 year old patient. She was widowed, and never had any children because her husband was infertile. She told me on her death bed,the only thing in life she regretted was not having any children. As she laid there dying, I sat there thinking, holding her hand and looking around her room, she had no one. She was alone. All her siblings were dead, her husband was deceased, and she never had any children to hold her hand as I did when she took her last breath. I guess I just don't want to be alone when that time comes.